Bittersüß

You know, I realized that most of my blog entries are about my travels. And yes, according to the title of the blog, that's what it's supposed to be about, but in reality I haven't talked about my actual experiences in Germany in a long time. And since I am leaving tomorrow, I feel like this is a good time to start!

This hasn't been a perfect semester. Things have gone wrong almost every day, just like they do in real life. (Yeah, I refer to life in the US as real life, because this still seems surreal to me.) When it comes to traveling, I've: missed trains, gotten lost, almost missed trains, woken up too early, spent hours being uncomfortable, slept in strange beds, gotten a parasite, carried extremely heavy bags, and nearly frozen to death. When it comes to culture shock, I've: accidentally insulted people, cried from homesickness, caused a scene at a grocery store, yelled in frustration because my language skills suck, confused people, gotten confused, and stayed in bed trying to avoid the world. When it comes to school, I've: spent entire classes where I have no idea what's happening, cried from nerves for all-German presentations and tests, doubted myself countless times, and used Google translate way too often. When it comes to my social life, I've: doubted myself, gotten annoyed with people, had to walk home alone a lot, had to worry about how I would get home because the only thing I could use was public transportation, and felt uncomfortable standing around in clubs.

That is the "sweet" part about going home. I might face many similar problems, but at least: everything will be in English, I won't have to walk home in the cold, I can actually drive a car, I can sleep in my bed, I can relax, and I will be comforted by family and friends I've had for years. And, my dog. And, burritos. But I know that, despite those wonderful comforts, the most amazing experience of my life is coming to an end. So, that's where the "bitter" part comes in.

When it comes to traveling, I've seen absolutely beautiful things from buildings to ruins to museums to mountains to lakes to landmarks and entire cities. I've gotten the opportunity to go somewhere new almost every weekend. I had delicious food and bought some great souvenirs. I've met new people, grown up, and became independent and responsible. When it comes to culture shock, as much as I say otherwise, I really did improve my language skills. I can get around any city in Germany with my knowledge of the language and I believe I'm brave. I know that there's only room for improvement. I challenged myself daily, and now I am a stronger person and not the same over-coddled, spoiled, and entitled American I used to be. When it comes to school, I actually have gotten some pretty good grades so far, met people of all different cultures, and, once again, challenged myself. When it comes to my social life, well, I had the most fun ever. I am still just perplexed by how amazing the people in my program are. I made so many spectacular friends, most of whom actually live in New England with me. I learned how to drink for real, I went to bars and I finally enjoy clubs. I've learned to relax and I love to party. I know, I never thought I'd say that, but I'm smart about the things I do and I never made any bad decisions that hurt me or anyone else. I promise.

So, bittersweet. That's the word that best describes my situation. I am leaving behind an uncomfortable world full of unexpected turns, new experiences, and beautiful things to go to a comfortable world full of boring normality, people I love, and my favorite things. As you can tell, I don't really know WHAT to feel. I almost wish that I could just leave for a week, or maybe a month, and come back. That's the thing that really bothers me the most, I think, that I'm not going to be coming back to Europe for a while. What will I have to look forward to? When I was an underclassman my escape from too much school was home, and my escape from too much home was school. On the cusp of junior year my escape from too much home was Europe, and in Europe when I was feeling down I knew that I'd be going home in a few weeks or months. Now what? I guess that's the question, isn't it?

I was in China this year, can you believe it? And then I was in Europe this semester, obviously. China, Germany, Italy, France, Czech Republic, Switzerland, and Austria. That was my year. What IS next? I would like to think there's more, but I still have to finish school before I can figure anything out. And that seems dauntingly close and terribly far away.

Okay, yeah, I know this is turning out to be a pretty depressing blog post. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to go home. But now all I can do is sit and be sad and reflect and just wait for tomorrow to come. I'm halfway done packing, but I know that tomorrow morning I have to clean my room and check out and go to the airport and wait there forever and then take a looong flight and then a long drive home at night. So that kind of sucks a bunch. And yesterday was my last night with everyone. AJY threw us a small pizza party which was fun, and then we ALL went out to a bar. Some of my closest friends here have already left, or are leaving soon. We hugged and frantically waved and shouted goodbye as we ran to catch our buses. So that's why I don't think I'm going to the Altstadt today. I feel like I should go see it one last time, and I feel like I should maybe see my remaining friends one last time, but then again I don't know if that's a good idea. After all, how will it help? Either way it's just another tearful goodbye. I thought last night's ending was so perfect that I don't want to break my heart with another one.

Despite all of this I don't even think it has sunk in yet that I will never go to Bismarckplatz again, will never cross the Altebrucke, climb the steps to AJY, etc etc etc. Sigh. I wish I could be more excited, because a mere few weeks ago I wanted to go home so badly. But the bittersweetness is hard to overcome. Sorry again that this is so depressing, but I think honesty is always a good thing. This won't be my last post, either, so don't worry. But, for now...

Ich werde mein Herz in Heidelberg verlassen.

Just like the song says. And now, for your reflective pleasure,